This needs to be said and has to be said and there, I’ve said it. The majority of relationship counseling skirts the area of finance, even though every magazine cover says, “according to the latest research, finances are the number one cause of divorce. Counselors are not prepared to provide up to date and accurate financial advice. Their technical training does not include that and rightfully so. Their primary intention is to help you understand each other, help with whatever stalemate you may have encountered and provide a safe place for you both and hopefully individually, to explore some unresolved issues.
If the solution then for relationships in trouble is a prescription to seek out a financial advisor, I can confidently say that may not be the answer. Working as a professional in financial services for over 15 years, I can tell you that we are not prepared to provide you financial counseling either. When dealing with money, it is never about knowing the right steps to take, we can provide you with those, it’s about the value one sees in following them.
If being rich was as simple as following a few steps, then everyone would be rich. The problem begins right there. Not everyone’s definition of rich is the same. When two compatible people fall in love and get married, we often say, two become one. That would mean for the love boat to float, the paddling has to work in tandem, NOT in the same direction. Not all boats are created equal, and their requirements for passenger effort are vastly different. I’ll leave it to the reader to google the difference between a canoe and kayak, to explore further how important it is to understand the difference between the two and how the same advice on paddling doesn’t apply to both equally.
Money is a tool used to express one’s identity. The lack of control over it, leads to a feeling of individual suppression and causes one to lose hope. Not only in their relationship, but also in life. The inability to value the strength of working in tandem, and giving each other grace in relationships, even as it applies to money is the number one cause of divorce. There has to be room for individuals to continue to pursue their definition of rich within a marriage.
Because you make financial decisions everyday and they pile up, the way in which decisions are made is number one cause for divorce. Often people get to a point in the relationship where they give up working together on key financial goals with their spouse because they feel like they can’t trust them. Either they have no agency over the money decisions, their spouse “has a spending problem” or things never happen as promised.
The key to not giving up on your marriage in this position is taking responsibility for your own decisions. Two unhappy people in a relationship won’t make things any better. What’s good for the goose, truly is good for the gander. There is no better way to make your spouse feel inferior than by sitting them down and telling them how and where they have been wrong with money management. It’s ok to point out areas in which you would like to feel richer and changes you would like to make, but it won’t improve the situation if you ask a financial advisor to agree with you that your spouse cannot handle money well.
If you are the spouse who feels they can make better decisions on their own, you need to approach this discussion with care. You also need to approach it with grace, and forgiveness. It can work if you make decisions that are good for your present and financial future without taking extra steps to make sure your partner doesn’t feel like you are looking down on them or excluding them. You won’t build your relationship by reminding your spouse of the financial mistakes that they have made in the past.
If your spouse is reluctant, continue the discussion and try to understand the reasons behind their hesitancy. Using the expression, “why not!” is not helpful. You may try, “what are your concerns around this?” This may be a very direct conversation to ask a counselor for help with, so your spouse does not feel attacked.
If your spouse has expressed they feel like they cannot trust you and must resort to managing their finances on their own and making individual decisions, it’s not the end of the world. It may be a jarring conversation to have a spouse say, I no longer want to have joint accounts and want to manage my own money. That’s ok. Let them have that space to express their individuality financially. You might be surprised at how the changes they make in their life can impact you both positively.
Try to express your concerns around their request by breaking it down into areas that can be addressed individually. If their concern is around your large car loan and they want to sell it and buy a beater, you may feel like your car is a part of your identity and that’s a concern you need to express. You may be able to work together to develop a plan to pay down that loan faster than the payments require and that may mean you are willing to compromise in other areas, such as eating out, or new clothes.
There are many ways to work together once you understand what you each value. Giving up may not be the only option, but changing how you work together.
Grace Vela is the owner of You Deserve Grace, and has been a financial services professional for over 15 years, working with both business owners and individuals in their finances. She has her MBA in Financial Services.
You Deserve Grace 