Tone and Finance: Building Healthy Relationships

Why should I share my wants, dreams, and desires with you when I know you might dismiss them, criticize me, or discourage me? That is, if you even listen at all. This issue often arises right from the start of a relationship and is fundamentally about tone, empathy, and flexibility—or the lack thereof. 

Discussing finances in relationships is particularly challenging from the very beginning, even during the dating phase. Who will pay for the first date? Where will it take place? Does it meet your expectations, or have you lowered them to get to know this person better? We convey subtle hints and expectations about finances right from the outset, through our tone, empathy, and flexibility in how we respond to our partner.

For example, if a woman suggests meeting for dinner at an upscale restaurant and expects to enjoy a fine meal without contributing financially, it sends a message: “This is the standard I expect moving forward.” Instead of arguing about it, if you are a man in a lower income bracket who can’t currently provide that lifestyle, this moment presents an opportunity to discuss finances and expectations. Does she expect you to be the breadwinner? Are you prepared for that role? If you are dating with the intention of marriage, this is the time to address those questions before the date even occurs.

Tone is powerful and can be one of the hardest aspects to manage in a conversation. If you have strong opinions, your tone might reveal how much room there is for discussion. For instance, if someone says, “I don’t do coffee dates because it shows you’re not ready to invest in me,” it’s essential to gauge how dismissive they are of your opinion and to engage personally rather than relying on gender stereotypes. After all, you are trying to get to know this person, and it’s crucial to look beyond their tone and appreciate the substance of what they are saying.

Encouraging more conversation before meeting helps because our decision-making can become clouded when we introduce more variables about a person. When we lack comprehensive information, we can make more rational decisions based on absolutes since there is less to empathize with. This approach can be beneficial when you are firm about something.

However, once emotions come into play, you may shift to a more analytical decision-making mode. You’ll consider context and background, and your ability to make black-and-white decisions may diminish with a deeper understanding of the person involved. This dynamic becomes especially relevant in the context of marriage; maintaining a good level of physical intimacy can lead you to empathize more with your partner’s point of view and see things from a different perspective.

You might find yourself suddenly okay with a large TV purchase on credit that you previously would have disapproved of. This change can occur because you took the time to evaluate the decision beyond the initial tone of delivery, considered your partner’s perspective, and recognized the significance of the purchase to them, which outweighs your initial aversion.

This level of flexibility is essential, and it should be developed after careful reflection—perhaps not within the same conversation when the issue was first raised. If you notice someone is easily swayed, they may lack a strong opinion on the matter or may be a people pleaser. Early in a relationship, it can be challenging to discern which is which, but understanding this is crucial, as the individual may change their stance later once they discover their own financial identity.

Ultimately, working together to discuss money in a relationship is less about actual figures, account types, or the logistics of spending and more about the values that underpin financial decisions—both yours and theirs. 

For more insights, subscribe to our website to learn about You Deserve Grace and our approach to personal finance. Also, check out our first date video on YouTube.